My Story -Healing after an abortion

In 2002, I had a holiday fling in Thailand. We used protection, but it clearly didn’t work as I discovered weeks later.

My immediate reaction to discovering I was pregnant was to burst into tears. Although I had always wanted children, these were not tears of joy. They were tears of shock, disbelief, fear and hopelessness.

I was freaking out and had no idea what to do.

I was so torn and confused.

Part of me was contemplating keeping it while the other part was deep in painc. And I was aware that I needed to make a decision. Not an easy thing to do when your hormones are racing, and your head is whirling around in circles.

Then one day I heard loud and clear ‘Don’t keep it”. Who said it, I will never know, as I will never know if it was the right decision.

But it has been a decision that haunted me for years.

Years of living with regret, with what ifs and deep deep shame.

If anyone has lived in the deep depths of shame, guilt and self-loathing, you know what a dark and lonely place it is. It’s not somewhere I would recommend, and I needed help, but I had no idea what to do.

Also, looking back, I don’t think I really realised how much it was affecting me in other ways. My light had gone out, and I was not handling things well. I took it out on other people, and I pushed it down. But the thing is, with pain, it has a way of resurfacing, and until you heal, you will forever be running.

I tried to work through it myself. I travelled across the Himalayas and India. I did silent Buddhist retreats, studied Yoga and buried myself in the ancient teachings of the East. Although they helped a bit, I was still struggling. Still in pain.

In 2011, everything changed. I attended a meditation led by an energy healer and we sang the very famous Hoʻoponopono song. It is a song about forgiveness, and it cracked me open. My heart was vibrating, and I was sobbing, crying for my unborn child and crying for myself.

I went to everything that this centre had on. I found a community of loving people, my spiritual teacher and the tools I needed to begin to heal. I learnt to forgive and love myself again. I learnt to let go of the pain and to stop beating myself up.

But nothing is ever so simple, and my journey was not over.

There are always reminders. People having children and grandchildren. Watching friends and family struggle to conceive.

As I got older, a new wave of pain came. The pain as I realised I would never have children of my own.

Healing is not linear. It’s layered.

They say it’s like peeling an onion. But the pain does subside, and you can move forward.

And I now realise my journey through this pain was that I could help others.

I have been working as an energy healer for the last decade, helping people deal with their traumas, but something has shifted in me recently. I strong realisation that my journey is to help others heal from their post abortion pain.

I have walked the path, and now I’m ready to help others with theirs.

It’s a silent pain, but you don’t have to carry it by yourself any more.

That’s why I created The Phoenix Pathway, a specialised healing path for abortion survivors. Because I learnt to rise from the ashes, and you can too. It also pays hommage to the Phoenix tattoo I have on my arm to remind me of my strength to rise and be reborn.

If you need help, please reach out. I’d love to help you.

Selene xx